Day 63: Filling the Void

I have told myself many times, there is no emotional component to my food addictions, I just like to eat the food I have learned to love. I'm lying to myself and you may be lying to yourself too. When we have addictions, whether to food, alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, gambling, whatever, we are trying to fill an emptiness inside ourselves. It is not about the object of our addiction, it is about trying to fill that void and feel whole again. How can we do that? Why does food seem to help?

Well we certainly know what doesn't work, though you wouldn't know that by our actions. With a food addiction, for example, you feel hungry, you want a certain food, you eat that food and you are still dissatisfied and want/eat more and more and more until you are sick. If that is not true of you, if you eat what you want and stop when you're full and are not sick or overweight, then you are not addicted to food. But if this is true of you, then, I repeat, again, it is not about the food. What is it about? That is the million dollar question.

What I am trying to do, and I am making some progress, is to look at what feelings thinking about craved food generates. What happens when I tell myself no? How do I feel? I feel hurt and sad. Someone else may feel angry or defiant. Why do I feel hurt? Because I can't have a bowl of pasta, or a pizza? I'm not sure, but when I tell myself no I think of all the times I felt left out in the past. I remember all the times I was not included. I think of all the times I didn't fit in. Then I want to eat. Maybe I am looking for unconditional love. I feel that I have had to work very hard for love in my life and have come up on the short end of the stick. I know in my heart that the only person who can give me unconditional love is myself. Yet I still think I missed out in life by never finding a "soul mate." Now I'm missing out on a cheeseburger. Life just isn't fair! Doesn't make sense? Doesn't to me either, but my cravings come wrapped in reams of rejection and sadness, cravings for love and acceptance. So guess what eating that food does to me? It feeds that feeling! OMGODDESS! Just what I didn't need!

When I eat, out of loneliness, or sadness, or deprivation, guess what happens next? I feel even more isolated and lonelier. Blah! Not fair! All the cool kids eat what they want and never get fat! Yuk! I have to sneak off and eat so I can set a good example for other people. Yet if I don't lose weight they will know I am lying and cheating, two things I despise! How am I lying and cheating in my life? What am I lying about? Who am I cheating? These discussions with myself are quite tedious, but they are working because I am finally learning, it is not about the food! Eating what I crave makes the problem worse, much worse, not better at all!!! I CAN SAY NO even when I want to say yes!! All good lessons, but oh so hard to grasp and hang onto.

I have a hole inside of me. I need to fill it with love and acceptance. Eating badly and secretly does not fill the void, it simply reminds me that it is there. I am saying no, and like a small child I sometimes pout and feel sad, but like a small child I am easily distracted and finding other ways of entertaining, rewarding, making myself happy. It really isn't about the food. No amount of food of any kind will fill you up if you are not hungry for food. It will only leave you dissatisfied.

So when cravings strike, welcome them as a sign that there is a void inside of you too. Find ways to fill the void, not overfill your stomach. Try sunshine, fun, friends, happiness, fresh air, exercise, whatever you are hungry for. Love yourself all the way to wholeness and see if that void, that hole, doesn't heal over and disappear.

What are you really hungry for? Go get it. (As long as it doesn't come from a drive-in window or a delivery boy!):~D

Until Tomorrow!
Love & Sunshine!
Connie